Pushover Parenting – Why it needs to stop

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Pushover parenting is getting the best of me.

I looked at my three year old as she held the pencil sharpener in one hand and the pencil on the other “Do you need help?” I asked. “No mom, me only. I do it.” Clumsily, she inserted the pencil into the little hole and started twisting.

Crunch……………………. crunch………………………. crunch it went.

Too slow. It will take her forever. What if she hurts herself?

“Let me do that for you.”

“No, I do it. I big mommy. I BIG!”

Crunch…………………………crunch……………………………………crunch it went.

Torturous to the ears. I felt my airways closing up and I clenched my hands.

The good mother in me said “Let her do it, it’s just a sharpener.”

The pushover parent in me screams “Just let me do that for you!” in my head. “It will be easier if I do it!”

I started to reach for it but she immediately moved her hands away.

“Just give them to me. I can do it faster.” 

“NO, not faster. I do it.”

Crunch………………………… crunch………………………………… crunch…………………………..

It took everything for me to hold myself back. I put the laptop down and leaned on the pillow so I can see what she was doing.

Crunch…………………………………… crunch……………………………………… Oooops……….

“Wait, I do it again.”

Crunch…………………………………Crunch…………………………….Crunch…………………………

She’s taking too damn long.

Shavings fell down on the bed until finally, she held the pencil up.

“Look! Mommy look!”

Perfectly sharpened.

I hang my head in shame. She is capable of doing things but I insist on doing them for her.

I suck at this parenting thing.

“No you just sit there, I’ll get it for you.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make it for you.”

“Let me do that…”

“Just sit tight, mom will do it.”

“Don’t worry, mommy got this.”

“Let me cut that perfectly tender chicken meat for you…”

“Yes of course you can have that, oh that one too? Sure honey.”

Then it hit me, I am crippling my child.

I am crippling my children by putting their comfort first in everything.

And I know why.

Because I feel guilty for so many things that I try to make it up to the kids in other ways.

I feel guilty about not being able spend enough quality time with them. I feel guilty because I am unable to help my 3 year old with her lessons the way I did with my son before. I feel guilty because I cannot afford the many things that they like at the toy store. I feel so fucking guilty that I’m working and not staying at home with them like what I really want to do and I feel angry that I have no choice because I can’t afford to let go of my job to stay at home.

So I make things easier for them. I don’t nag at them for leaving their things on the floor. I am okay that they spend hours watching cartoons on the laptop even if it means I stay up later than usual so I can finish a pending article writing job. I give in too easily when one cries. I skip lunch at work so I can buy the 3 year old a stupid plastic drum-set. I let them take over me. I let them take over my relationship with the Mister V. They come first. Kids come first because I feel they deserve more. Because I feel lacking as a mother. Because I feel like I am letting them down each time I say no. Because I suck at this parenting thing and it’s making me angry.

Then I realized that this pushover parenting that I’m doing needs to stop because I’m  doing more harm than good.

My 3 year old can be an asshole. She screams and shouts. She hits her brother. She rules the house. She is the boss of me. She wants a pink laptop, then she wants a purple one, then she changes her mind and wants a yellow flower instead. She wants them FAST. Her father calls me while I’m at work because she’s throwing a fit in the house and nobody could make her shut up. All because she thinks she can get everything she wants. Because I usually let her.

So then I get angry at her but I always melt when she looks at me in the eye and say “Don’t get mad me mom! Sweetheart? Don’t get mad me…”. All is well until she goes back to being an asshole.

So now I see the need to cut this assholery short.

And I am tired. You know what’s the biggest problem with this pushover parenting style? Aside from raising assholes and lazy kids who think they are the center of the world, you come out as an exhausted piece of shit who is angry all the time.

Why? Because trying to please everybody is exhausting. Also because it causes a strain on your relationship with your partner if both of you are not on the same page. The Mister V says no, I say yes, he say’s I’m spoiling the kids and I say fix your own damn dinner tonight.

So you wanna know how not to raise assholes?

Be firm. Discipline. Tough love works. Routine. Give your kids responsibilities at  home. No does not mean it’s the end of the world. Don’t give in to their every whim and most importantly, have a solid understanding that your kid is usually not the problem. Your parenting style is.

That was me, talking to myself.

*This post was originally published on my old blog The Vanilla Housewife